You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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