Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
