theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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