is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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