I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
