ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
