I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
