I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
