If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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