i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
