Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
