I wish I could punch you in the face.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
