i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
