i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
