At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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