just come out here and I will go home with you...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
