My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
