I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
