I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
How external is "for external use only"?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
