Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
