maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
