Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
