...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
