chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
