I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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