why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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