so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
