I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
