Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
