i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
