Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
