What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
