Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Randomize
