nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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