why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
