I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
