2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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