I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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