I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
