Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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