im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
