I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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