What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
he shaved USA in his pubs
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
