It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
