Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
