I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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