That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
