So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
