Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
