please come you make the beer taste better
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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