sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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