i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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