Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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