Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
