fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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