I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
