Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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